Mooloolaba.

So I did it, I put on my running outfit, tied my laces and ran my little legs out.

16 weeks ago I decided enough was enough and I was going to ignite my passion for running once more, to make sure I stuck to my goal I signed up for a 5k run as part of the Mooloolaba triathlon series and we decided to make a weekend of it.  Well this last weekend I packed up the car, waited for Han to arrive from WA and drove us all up the sunshine coast for a weekend of sun, beach and running.  I was pumped.

The weather was amazing, it has rained every time we have been to the beach for the last few years and the last few weeks of monsoon rain in Brisbane had me yearning for some sun on my shoulders.

We spent so much lovely time sitting by the water, running through the water and enjoying being away from the normal day to day life.

I enjoyed my run.  Surprising myself I shed a few tears as I crossed the finishing line, this isn't a monumental achievement, so many people can run 5Km, I used to be able to do that and more when I was younger but the act of setting a goal and seeing it through was empowering.  I was able to see myself again, not just a wife, mother, daughter and nurse which is all that exists in my day to day life.

It is an amazing life transformation  becoming a wife and mother, and many people have written wonderful essays on the topic, I know I am not alone, but I believe every woman has to learn to continue to transform within that life, so that we don't resent the change but also continue to blossom within our new roles.  Of course that is harder said than done, it has taken me a long time to learn this and ensure that I find a passion in my life that will fuel me through the harder days and weeks that are inevitable.

After the run we enjoyed more family time, by the beach, or the river.  Han and I could often be found with coffee in hand thanks to babies who don't like to sleep on holidays, trying to keep all the beach paraphernalia under control, while still enjoying making family memories with our two boys that will keep us warm as the colder months start to set in.

I left Mooloolaba with my first 5K done and a passion for doing more, already dreaming of running a better time next year and full of love for this lovely family of mine.  I think we will all be ok, life is pretty fantastic.

11/52

Otto:  This boat came everywhere with us on our holiday, it is broken and doesn't float so well but secured hours of play and imagination.  Here Otto and Han are finding ways to float it through the rock pools.

Hugo:  Our last morning and this boy didn't want to sleep, at first I was disappointed to be missing out on precious sleep, but then the sun started to rise and we secured a spot to watch it all to ourselves.  It became one of those breathtaking and special moments that I know I will remember for years to come.

We are home, the few nights away were lovely but reality has hit us hard.  The whole household has succumbed to our first winter cold and Otto is the worst affected.  I am hoping to look through all the photos from our weekend away soon, but first to bed, as I am sure to be up a lot overnight.

10/52

Otto:  Peeking around the corner to see if I had put the camera down yet.

Hugo:  Let's go driving!

This has been a huge week for us, the house is finally settled and we have the keys in our hot little hands.  Han's grandfather passed away on the other side of the country, and life with little people is always busy!  We have a few days away at the beach next week and I am hanging out for it!

Have a great Sunday, at least the sun is shining today.

Linking up with Jodi

9/52

Otto:  Excited about pulling out the bread from the bread machine.

Hugo:  Looking tired but a bit happier than last week at least.

We have been challenged by the weather this week, the rain has been coming down in huge downpours that keep going all day long.  Everything is soaked and while I have been trying to look on the bright side, it is wearing on my sense of humour.  We have enjoyed doing some baking with the cooler weather, but I am really looking forward to seeing some sunshine again.

Linking up with Jodi!

A hard journey.

When Otto was a baby many things were hard for me as a first time Mum.  One thing however that came easily was breastfeeding, it just clicked, he nursed straight away and for those first few months it seems as though he just didn't stop.  After watching so many other friends struggle I was so thankful.

Hugo was born a very efficient nurser, often finishing both sides within 45 minutes.  He was born with a tongue tie and while it didn't seem to affect his nursing we opted to have it removed to ensure that it wouldn't affect anything in the future.  It was thought that because of this tongue tie he found it hard work to nurse, so would make sure he got what he needed and then stop.  I was enjoying breastfeeding again and having those special moments with Hugo, that was until a hard headed three year old bruised a milk duct that lead to mastitis.

I mentioned having mastitis here before but what I haven't yet discussed was the ramifications from there.  Hugo had already been slow to put on weight, after the mastitis his percentiles plummeted and we had a few stressed weeks trying to increase my supply, increase the fat in his diet and supplement with formula.  It didn't help that he just didn't seem interested, in anything.  I felt like a failure as his mother, not only was I unable to produce enough milk, I hadn't noticed him looking skinny.  I was so busy getting everything done, looking after Otto, visiting Han in hospital, keeping the house running, feeding and cooking for everyone that it took me a while to stop and really look at what I was missing.  In fact, it would take yet another bout of mastitis for me to really stop.

Last week I made the tearful late night journey to the doctor, a swollen, hot red breast telling me that once again I was failing.  I was put back onto antibiotics, increased the amount of medication I am already taking to increase my milk supply and hope that we can continue through until Hugo is one and can start taking other milk.  In that time we have had a win, Hugo's weight is rising at a faster pace, we still have a way to go to get him to "average" but we are getting there.

It is hard to express all the different feeling I have.  I have felt like a failure, often, I have felt defeated many times, I have felt anger and resentment a sense of unjust, but mostly and I have just felt really sad.

This experience has prompted me to take a very good and hard look at myself, the good, the bad and the very ugly.  I don't want to waste this opportunity for self growth, we are given mountains to learn how to climb to the other side, it has prompted me to change my expectations, to stop and really look at my family.  To be grateful for who they are, for what they can teach me and my time spent with them.  Many times I can get overloaded with my to do list, the pile of papers that need my attention, the washing, the cleaning or any other mundane task that takes my time and attention away from them, I know I can't completely stop that, but I am trying to limit the fallout from it.  Each breastfeed for me is now so important, you can find me with tears in my eyes tracing each roll and fold of skin, listening to his breath and watching his eyelashes flutter, holding his fingers and teaching him the names for each item on my face.  They are such precious moments as I don't really know which one will be my last.

I know women face so many bigger problems in the world but in my little bubble this is a big deal.  It isn't the end of the world and I am so happy to have fed him for 9 months already.  It is amazing how such little people can teach you such big things and in the 3.5 years I have had the privilege of being a mother my world has completely turned upside down, but now I can see I am really the right way up because of it.

8/52

Otto:  Those lips, my goodness little boy you were very blessed.

Hugo:  Teething and learning new things is hard, sometimes even Mumma can't help.  

Linking up with Jodi for another week.  I can't even believe that we are up to the last weekend of summer, let alone week 8 of the year!

7/52

Hugo:  My little delight, always.

Otto:  Ahoy! 

Linking up with Jodi at Che and Fidel.