Growing up.

This photo gets me every time, he looks so sad, despite being dressed up and excited to head to his first ever kindy concert.  Yet I love it.

It sums Otto up perfectly, those gorgeous lips and that sensitive spirit that he has always had.  Otto is my constant companion, a Mummy's boy from his first breath.  This year it has been wonderful to see him flourish at kindy, he has made friends, learnt to self govern his feelings and work out issues that have arisen. I am always proud of him, but watching him make this transition has come with some invaluable teaching moments.  Especially for me.

I have always been shy, an introvert who needs time to recharge away from people, one of my greatest mothering challenges has been to become aware of that and realise when my cup is almost full.  I find it hard to put myself 'out there' in social situations, constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing or looking silly.  When I was Otto's age my parents were advised that due to my extreme shyness I would be best suited to a small private school, so they saved and worked hard to provide my sister and I with that opportunity.

I am rambling, trying to structure my thoughts, what I am trying to say is that this year I have found it tough.  It is hard to put yourself out there within a group of women you haven't met before at drop off and pick up. Often I have felt overwhelmed by all the noise, trying to keep my eye on both boys while hurriedly searching for the contents of Otto's bag, remembering the library book, show and tell from last week and that bloody missing sock.  I have missed opportunities for play dates, or quick coffees with the other mum's, invitations to a play in the park, and I have noticed that with all the invitations to birthday parties going out, none have ever made their way into our pigeon hole, and I think I am partly to blame for that.  

I made the hard decision with Otto's party this weekend that we wouldn't invite anyone from kindy, it wasn't as payback for the lack of invitations for us, but more that I didn't want another mother to feel as I do.  We either invite everyone, or no one.  We will have a little party at kindy with cupcakes after his birthday and I really do believe Otto would prefer that, he gets so excited when other mum's turn up with cupcakes for their child's birthday.

Next year we change kindy's, a new and fresh start for us both, we will be able to ride or walk instead of spending half an hour in the car each way, and his primary school is just across the road.  I have a new understanding that as much as these new beginnings stretch and challenge our children, they stretch and challenge ourselves as well and even though he spends more time away from me now, my presence within his school community is important for him and it is my responsibility to ensure that happens.

It might be time to finally stop being so shy.