It is late, I have so much running around my head.  So many jobs to tick off my list, folding to be done.  But this picture just keeps swirling around in my head.

The day Han flies away is always the hardest on everyone, but today we embraced it and had a slow and steady one, full of as much bed jumping as they wanted.  It worked, we all went to bed happy and ready for another week.

Growing up.

This photo gets me every time, he looks so sad, despite being dressed up and excited to head to his first ever kindy concert.  Yet I love it.

It sums Otto up perfectly, those gorgeous lips and that sensitive spirit that he has always had.  Otto is my constant companion, a Mummy's boy from his first breath.  This year it has been wonderful to see him flourish at kindy, he has made friends, learnt to self govern his feelings and work out issues that have arisen. I am always proud of him, but watching him make this transition has come with some invaluable teaching moments.  Especially for me.

I have always been shy, an introvert who needs time to recharge away from people, one of my greatest mothering challenges has been to become aware of that and realise when my cup is almost full.  I find it hard to put myself 'out there' in social situations, constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing or looking silly.  When I was Otto's age my parents were advised that due to my extreme shyness I would be best suited to a small private school, so they saved and worked hard to provide my sister and I with that opportunity.

I am rambling, trying to structure my thoughts, what I am trying to say is that this year I have found it tough.  It is hard to put yourself out there within a group of women you haven't met before at drop off and pick up. Often I have felt overwhelmed by all the noise, trying to keep my eye on both boys while hurriedly searching for the contents of Otto's bag, remembering the library book, show and tell from last week and that bloody missing sock.  I have missed opportunities for play dates, or quick coffees with the other mum's, invitations to a play in the park, and I have noticed that with all the invitations to birthday parties going out, none have ever made their way into our pigeon hole, and I think I am partly to blame for that.  

I made the hard decision with Otto's party this weekend that we wouldn't invite anyone from kindy, it wasn't as payback for the lack of invitations for us, but more that I didn't want another mother to feel as I do.  We either invite everyone, or no one.  We will have a little party at kindy with cupcakes after his birthday and I really do believe Otto would prefer that, he gets so excited when other mum's turn up with cupcakes for their child's birthday.

Next year we change kindy's, a new and fresh start for us both, we will be able to ride or walk instead of spending half an hour in the car each way, and his primary school is just across the road.  I have a new understanding that as much as these new beginnings stretch and challenge our children, they stretch and challenge ourselves as well and even though he spends more time away from me now, my presence within his school community is important for him and it is my responsibility to ensure that happens.

It might be time to finally stop being so shy.

36/52

Otto:  This week you have been so sick, scarlet fever has not been kind.  We have had a slow finish to the week as your medication starts to work and to ensure you got enough rest.  It has been hard to see you feel so awful, but each day you got a bit better and I always enjoy the extra cuddles.

Hugo:  You have so far managed to escape the fever, fingers crossed it stays that way.  This was one of your first painting experiences, you loved the feel of it pushing through your fingers.

I would normally say how hard it was so have such a sick child at home while Han is away working, but for some reason my attitude was different this time, it certainly wasn't easy at times, but mostly it ok, even good!  It felt nice to be at home, we set ourselves goals each day and I just didn't stress about making sure everything was done on time.  A new week stretches before us, and with Han home in just over 24 hours it should be a very good one.

As always, linking up with Jodi

34/52, 35/52

Otto:  This picture made me smile, you are playing in the washing line, constantly running through the clean clothes I have just hung up feeling the dampness over your hair and face.  Bare chested because the least amount of clothes the better.  I love the light above your face.

Hugo:  Our streets newest nosy parker.  This is your favourite perch in the mornings, watching people walk the dogs, trucks making deliveries, always pointing.

Nothing special this week, just more of this wonderful crazy life!

35/52

Otto:  We finally got around to putting the trampoline back up after moving.  The joy found in discovering it again was lovely to watch.

Hugo:  Always up to something, discovering, certainly your word for the last few months.

30/52, 31/52, 33/52

Time to catch up, life has been busy sorting out a new routine where I am the primary parent for long stretches of time.  I haven't been taking as many photos, and the amount of feelings, thoughts and ideas I have to write here are starting to cloud my mind.  So I am back, well for now anyway.

30/52.

Otto:  This was the first week of just the three of us, you struggled.  I felt so bad for you, obviously missing Daddy but unable to process it all.  We got there in the end, the visits with the animals helped, I could hear you talking to them about missing Daddy, you were so gentle.

Hugo:  When I uploaded this photo it suddenly hit me that the baby really has gone, you look like such a little boy now.

Our first week on our own was hard, Otto and Hugo didn't really understand what was happening and where Han had gone, no matter how hard we tried to explain.  I missed Han and he missed us, it was a reminder of exactly why we said we would never do it once children came along.

31/52

 

Otto: Ah, one day little boy girls are going to swoon over those eyes and lips, until then it is my job to find you oh so loveable.

Hugo:  He looks so cranky with the idea that he smooshed a lid up to his face.  Sums him up pretty perfectly, our family has a comedian.

This week we found our mojo, it helped that Han was only gone for a short while and could show Otto that when he went away he would be coming back again.

33/52

Otto:  Your happy place is the beach, the weather was so warm and with Daddy leaving the next day we decided to make the most of it.  I am so pleased we did, as it was one of those rare but much anticipated perfect days.

Hugo:  You are warming to the beach, I can understand why, it must be so scary to hear those waves crashing and sprinting up the beach toward you.  Soon little boy you will love it just as much as Otto.

This was a perfectly amazing day, I was so grateful for it and the photos I took.  ( more coming later).  A wonderful family day before Han left for a long stint.